Tag: Cracked

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History Humor

Profane Fun With History

Cracked.com recreates the story of how Leon Trotsky died, along with 6 other historical figures who were hard to kill:

While Trotsky was home reading some shit, Mercader buried an ice axe into the back of his skull.

This just pissed Trotsky off.

He stood up from his desk, axe in head, and spit on Mercader. Then he went after the assassin, wrestling with him. Trotsky’s bodyguards heard the commotion (where the fuck were they a few minutes ago?) and came running in to subdue the assassin and get Trotsky to the hospital.

Trotsky made it to the hospital and underwent surgery before finally dying a day later from complications related to being brained with a goddamn ice axe. We’re hoping he lived long enough to fire those bodyguards.

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Humor

New Bond Girl to be Named Chesty Evildoer

Cracked.com lists the Top 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns. This is the least cringe-worthy:

Bond is in bed on top of Dr. Christmas Jones, a brilliant nuclear scientist convincingly portrayed by Denise Richards, who, like all brilliant female nuclear scientists, looks like a supermodel and dresses like Lara Croft.

Then James says, “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

The saddest part is knowing the entire reason they named her “Christmas” was so they could set up that orgasm joke at the end of the movie. So in the Bond world, girls can grow up to be nuclear physicists, but they still get stripper names.

Bond girls (as you’ll see) tend to get worse names than this, and Christmas was probably something like “Vixen McLegs” or “Chesty Evildoer” in earlier drafts. Then, they thought up the joke and went back in with Microsoft Word and reverse engineered all the “Aslyn Boobsaplenty” entries into “Christmas Jones.” Yes, screenwriters get paid good money to do things like that.

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Humor

The Recommended Caffeine Intake for a French Enlightenment Philosopher

A fun fact about Voltaire from Cracked.com:

Severe, deleterious caffeine intoxication sets in at 500 mg, so you’re going to have to slam a black venti with a Red Bull chaser to get properly wasted. Once you’ve risen to coffee-high nirvana, you’ll soon plummet to coffee-high hell. Symptoms of excessive caffeine usage include hallucinations, diarrhea, convulsions, vomiting and “confusion”…

Voltaire drank approximately 50 to 70 cups of coffee a day for inspiration. This level of caffeine intake is not recommended unless you happen to be a French Enlightenment philosopher.

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